Ignoring the Whispers

What I believe to be the root of women and unhappiness

What are the whispers you hear when it’s quiet?

What are the thoughts that you push away as quickly as you can, hearing them approach like a distant train whistle and mentally cramming them in a corner of your brain before the whistle turns to a deafening roar?

I’m reading a book right now called American Dirt by Jeanine Cummins. The narrator admits that whenever she’s standing on a tall balcony or at the edge of a cliff, she’s always had an irrational fear of actually jumping. In those moments, she fears no one but herself. She hastily pushes the thought away and backs up from the edge before she even lets the thought settle.

Later in the novel, as she and her eight-year-old son are running from the cartel, they find themselves faced with the fact that they will have to jump on top of la bestia, a moving train known for housing migrants. Cummins writes:

She rejects the awareness that all her life she’s been afraid she would jump accidentally, like that girl from her favorite novel, from cliffs, from balconies, from bridges. But now she knows, with 100 percent certainty, she knows she would never have jumped, that the fear has always been an elaborate trick of her mind.

How do we judge our thoughts? How do we know what’s our true self versus an “elaborate trick of our mind”?

I’ve spent the better part of my life at war with my mind, doing anything and everything to control what that voice in my head tells myself. I’ve seen counselors and psychiatrists, had acupuncture and body field harmonizing, run marathons and hot yoga-ed until I’m sweating puddles for days. I’ve bought crystals, cooked ayurvedic recipes, and studied the chakras and the planets’ positions — both where they were the minute I was born and every day since.

I’m an empathetic, sensitive, airy Libra/Vata. Basically, I’m a sponge absorbing every energy around me, so many times I question what’s my own thought versus what’s a “trick” in my head, worming its way into my consciousness through some voice from the outside world.

Through all of my explorations, I’ve learned an easy way to single out the imposter thoughts: they all begin with the word “should.” “Should” signifies an expectation we’re placing upon ourselves as well as the blame we’re placing upon ourselves because we haven’t accomplished whatever that thing is we “should” do.

Let me tell you a secret.

Many times I have the thought that I’m not meant to live the life that I’m currently living. I have visions of myself in San Diego or Boulder, single and independent, big dog by my side as I go for an early morning run before opening up my bookstore/coffee shop/art gallery. Or perhaps I’m in New York City, meeting with my publisher about my next novel, wrapping a scarf around my neck before I push the revolving door back out into the snowing street. (Both romantic and dramatic, of course.)

Whatever it is, the whisper I hear when it’s quiet is sometimes, “I want another life.” There. I said it.

I used to think this whisper was my mind tricking me — that I didn’t really want a different life. So I’d push that thought away, reminding myself to be grateful, making a mental note to myself to start my gratitude journal the next morning while meditating on staying in the present. I have two wonderfully loving, intelligent kids, and a husband who would bend over backward to give me the world. I have an extremely successful company, a beautiful home, and that big dog I’ve always dreamed of. Be grateful, damn it. I should be grateful.

It was in Glennon Doyle’s Untamed that I first read a brave comment that goes against the gratitude trend. She writes:

We are trained to believe that we’re supposed to be grateful all the time and if we can imagine more that means we’re not grateful enough, when really if we can imagine more that might mean that we were meant for more.

Of course I’m thankful for my family and my life. But does that mean I can’t also wish for more? Wish for things that actually don’t fit into my normal “mom” life?

I hate baseball games. Birthday parties are not my jam (I continue to say that the best thing COVID brought us was drive-by birthday parties). If I’m room mom, it’s because someone talked me into it, and sorry but your kids will get pre-packaged Oreos for snacks. It’s not that I don’t care about some aspects of being a mom; I just don’t enjoy them.

And I used to feel guilty that I didn’t want to live the mom life.

So when someone asked me to be room mom and my first thought was, “Ugh,” my second thought that then followed was, You should do this. You should be helpful. You should be grateful.

Whereas the character in American Dirt’s false thoughts were jumping-off-building thoughts, mine were telling me to keep conforming to what I believed a good mom should be.

So why am I sharing this now?

I began my own business back in February of this year. This leap has made me feel very alone in many ways. My mom friends would text things like, “Is your child doing running club?” My answer: “What’s running club?” They would then send the laughing emoji with an, “Oh Lindsay” text. Oops. You should have known about running club Lindsay.

This aloneness, though, has opened the door to meet so many women entrepreneurs, and over coffee or lunch, I’ve realized they have the same false thoughts as well. But you know what? Overall, they are happy. Because this pursuit of their love has a voice that’s bigger than the false one. No, I’m not advocating that every woman start her own business or that every woman work; I am, however, advocating that every woman take a leap toward what their true voice is telling them to do.

Because when your mind whispers to you and you shove it away, a deep part of your soul begins to ache. And it won’t stop until you listen to the whisper.

I was at a friend’s house the other night for dinner and the conversation among the women was about another mother we all know. To say that this other “mother” is eccentric is an understatement; she certainly goes against the grain in every way that she parents, much of which is questionable regarding if it is the best for her children. However, though some of the things this woman has done are shocking, I was more alarmed by the venomous way in which the other women in the room spoke about her. Their volume got louder and louder, and they were rolling their eyes and shouting accusations about this woman’s mental health. I finally left the room because I felt uncomfortable at the level of negativity in the air.

I kept asking myself, “Why do some women so viscerally hate other women?”

Let me guess: your answer is going to be “jealousy.” Whenever I’ve encountered a situation in which a woman learned another woman was speaking about her, I’ve been on the giving and receiving end of, “Oh, she’s just jealous of you.” As if that makes the situation more acceptable. No. We’re not glossing over the issue here.

It’s more than just superficial jealousy. When women gossip or whisper, gawking at another’s outfit, parenting style, or lifestyle, it’s not necessarily because that woman wishes she had the other’s life. Instead, it’s because these women see someone who has listened to her whispers — whispers that told her she was tired of settling for the “shoulds.” And THAT is dangerous. Because that’s different, and her pursuit of “different’’ threatens their routine of accepting the “shoulds.”

I’ve been seeing a manifestation counselor, Jamie Sabat, for the past six weeks (yet another attempt to help me control my thoughts). She led me through a guided meditation one day in which we were exploring a thought that has surfaced in my mind frequently as I’ve begun this new business: “I’m not good enough.” During this meditation, Jamie asked me to point to where I felt that thought in my body. I pointed to the back of my head.

“Ah yes,” she said. “That’s your reptilian brain. That part of your brain gives you your self-preserving thoughts.”

Um. Okay. So?

“So when you tell yourself you’re not good enough, it’s an attempt for your body to warn you against something that’s potentially dangerous or ‘different from the pack.’ In this situation, your body feels like leaving a steady job and beginning your own business is dangerous, so it’s warning you by telling you you’re ‘not good enough.’ If you believe you’re not good enough, then you won’t go down this ‘dangerous’ path.”

So here we go again.

In addition to my mind telling me I “should” love playing Barbies with my daughter or “should” look forward to a dance recital, my mind is also telling me “I’m not good enough” to own a business.

Damn. Don’t I have enough barriers to deal with without throwing my mind into the pot too? Because on top of my mind creating barriers for me, I have society’s expectations to shoulder. And that’s some heavy shit.

Here’s where I’m netting out today.

Every woman has whispers. Don’t be afraid of them. Don’t ignore them in the name of being grateful. Because believe me, ignoring them will make your mind and your soul at odds, and it will make you a miserable, unsettled being. You’ll shop more, you’ll drink more, you’ll eat more, you’ll declare you are doing these things because you “deserve it.” You do deserve it all, but not because you’re living up to the false voices in your head; instead, you deserve it all simply because you were born into this world. And you — with your gray hairs and your floppy underarms and your sunspots and fear of snakes and need to check if your hair straightener is off five times before you leave the house — you are absolutely enough. You are more than enough. Believe that, and tell that to the women around you. Instead of jumping off bridges, hold the hand of the woman next to you, and welcome the whispers together.